Over the years, I have met many
parents who come to my office when they feel their child is not listening to
them. When I inquire more about this, I
am often told that their children are disrespectful, angry, and that their
relationship is strained. My next question to the parent is – how well do you
know your child? Most parents give me an
answer which comes in different variations – however has the same content which
is that they know their child well and that they feel their child can trust
them no matter what. Each parent I have met has always wanted better for their
child and strived to be better than their own parents. I have yet to encounter a mom or dad who did
not love their child – regardless of the circumstances they were facing. Yet, more often than not parents are
completely oblivious to the reason their child is behaving a certain way. Below I discuss certain reasons for children’s
behavior, including “disrespect” to the parent and not listening.
Children
respond to their environment – most of us are not aware that children are
emotional sponges. They can read our
thoughts and body language better than adults can. That is why they are master manipulators! It
is important that both parents are on the same page when it comes to parenting
and the home environment. A lot of the times children will triangulate
situations because they know they can.
An example of this behavior would be “But dad said I could do it, I hate
you mom!” and then stomping off or continuing to argue. If children know that
there are adults in the home who communicate clearly with one another and back
each other up in decision they have made about their parenting – children can’t
go far. Many times I have had the privilege of working with families where mom
was the “disciplinarian” and dad was the “cool parent” (or vice versa). The parents struggle with their parenting and
the child most definitely knows this (don’t kid yourself to believe otherwise!). If you create a home environment where the
children know who is boss – meaning BOTH parents – and that you will not allow
them to manipulate you into saying yes, their negative behavior will decrease
and you will notice them starting to “listen to you” more. 
Children’s
behaviors are mere symptoms of their emotions – as adults we can express
ourselves a lot easier. We have
developed the ability to understand different emotions and can verbalize them without
acting out on them. However, even as
adults sometimes we “explode” because we have reached a limit. Children on the other hand – are still
learning about emotions and can’t clearly communicate them. I have often asked children how they are
feeling and their response almost always is: “Good.” Teens however respond in a
much more appropriate way, with a simple “I dunno, okay I guess” or my personal
favorite “Whatever.” Well if we look at these responses – “Good,” “I dunno,
okay I guess,” or “whatever,” none of these are emotions! I spend quite a lot
of time helping children learn about their emotions and helping parents
understand how to assist their child in this process. If your child is behaving
in a “disrespectful” manner – ask them how they are feeling. They may stomp off and walk away – but that
is okay. You have given them the
permission to tell you how they are feeling – they will come back. Talk to them about their feelings without
being judgmental and try to avoid labeling emotions for them. Wouldn’t it be nice to hear your child say “I
am so sad right now and I need you to help me” rather than the “I hate you, you
never do anything for me!”
Parents
can do a lot more than discipline – you have absolutely read this
correct! It is called emotional
regulation and emotional coaching.
Parents who are comfortable with their feelings are better able to model
appropriate feeling responses to their children. If you as the adult in the home explode the
minute things are not going your way – why are you expecting different from
your child? After all, the best teachers
in the world we have are our parents! When your child is upset or sad, be there
for them. Don’t try to make them feel
better – be there in that moment with them.
Tell them you understand and that feeling this way is okay for the
situation they are in. That they are
doing a great job and that you are there for them to assist in any way you
can. If our children don’t experience
feelings – they won’t be able to handle these feelings as adults. The more
emotionally vulnerable your children are around you – the better! Just remember – always be the best role model
you can be physically as well as emotionally!
I hope this helps get you started on the path to a happier and
better relationship with your child.
Remember, it is not the child’s responsibility to fit your needs – you are
the parent you MUST meet THEIR needs.
Children’s behaviors are merely the reflection of what is truly going on
inside them. They are confused and are
learning. Be the parent they need – not the
parent you think you should be. It is
your job, as the parent and adult of the home, to be the responsible one and
teach your children appropriate emotional regulation through emotional
coaching. Once children have their
foundation set – it becomes easier to talk to them and they start to listen
better because they know you understand them.
See you all next month!
